Ted's Heroism

It was on Wednesday 15th November, 2000. The time was 1745 hours and I was relaxed, sitting in my armchair thinking about the many presents I would receive on my birthday that was only one week away. Eve was sitting to my left in her armchair. The only sound to be heard was the squeak of the needle as Eve did her Cross Stitching. It felt good to be alive.

In my dreamy state, I noticed Eve leave her armchair at speed. This concerned me, whenever Eve decided to leave her armchair it was always accompanied by many groans, and then she would stand stationary for about 30 seconds, mumbling something about having to get her legs mobile again. I also noticed she was holding a slipper in her right hand. I began to panic and I switched my eyes to scan mode.

It was then I noticed this large black creature scuttling across the floor. It was a spider. It had appeared from between our two chairs. Its body was about two feet in diameter and it was travelling at about 100 mph. Eve, slipper in hand was in hot pursuit. Some unseen force raised my feet from the floor and forced me into a little ball as far back in my armchair as I could go. I tried to give Eve a cheer to encourage her, but my mouth was dry and nothing came out.

I noticed Eve was gaining on the spider and so did he. Because of this, the spider did a U-Turn around the table, and was now coming towards me. My heart was thumping and adrenalin was pumping through my veins. The body of this spider was about three feet in diameter and it was travelling at about 200 mph. What was I to do?

The spider now had my undivided attention. I was unaware of the presence of Eve; I had a war on my hands. We made eye contact and I could see the spider's intention was to fight to the death.

My heart was thumping so hard I thought it was coming through my chest. I demanded more adrenalin from my aged body and prepared myself for battle.

I knew if I was going to kill this spider, whose body was about four feet in diameter and travelling at about 300 mph, I was going to need agility, cunning, speed and split second timing.

From being rolled up in a ball at the back of my armchair, I launched myself in the general direction of this monster spider. I felt myself break the sound barrier as I propelled myself towards the spider. I realised my trajectory would cause me to miss my target, so I twisted in mid-air and with all the strength I could muster, smashed my foot down on top of this monster, the body of which was about five feet in diameter and it had been travelling at about 400 mph. I felt bones crunch under the Man-made-soles of my size 10 slippers.

As I flew through the air at speed with little regard for my own safety, my leg hit the hard part of my armchair and I twisted my knee badly.

I was in terrible pain, I had a badly bruised muscle and a twisted knee to contend with, but through gritted teeth I said to Eve "Did you see the size of that spider? It's body was about six feet in diameter and it was travelling at about 500 mph, but at least I managed to kill it." Eve said, "The spider was about one inch in diameter, and that includes its legs, and it was not travelling very fast."

I can only conclude that either Eve has very bad eyesight or she was looking at a different spider to the one I was looking at and went to war against.

Ted Inwood